A Request

I havn't written any post for ages. I find it hard to put everything in my mind to this entry. We had a great weekend together, after being apart for a week, and now we are in distance again.




I know I owe you a big explanation after I've said just now. I know the statement I made not convincing enough to enlighten my feelings towards you. And I know I have the full responsibility on what I've said, and turn the words into actions.

I grown up with perfect loves that my parents feed me. The first 8 years of my life were amazing. I can remember every second of it, the loves are in my sight everyday. After Ayah died, my life changed dramatically. I lost a person who taught me everything about life, who spent his days cooking, reading and scolding me, who taught me manners, who asked me to write something on magazine, and wanted me passionately active with communities like him.

Mak tried very hard to take charge of the role that Ayah played so that I did not feel the emptiness. She gave me everything that Ayah promissed, without me fulfilling the conditions that Ayah and I have agreed before. And started from that I realize that I've lost him and I have to endure and live with it.

Being the eldest brother in the family was not easy, especially at the age of 8. My other sibling, Afiq cant cope with the situation. He cried almost every night, wanted his 'susu' as same as what Ayah made, since Ayah always the one who made it for him. Mak could not handle the pressure at the first place, she miscarriaged my sister, who was 4 months at that time.

I knew that I have to be strong. I knew that I have to take the lead. I knew that I have to be a responsible son to my mom. This sense made what I am today. I took the lead on almost everything in every stage of my life. Peoples were referring to me when they had problems, and Im doing everything that I can to help them, or at least a good listener to ease.



But I lost my self dignity when I broke up with my ex-girlfriend. I did a mistake for choosing a wrong path to let go all the moment we had together. I lost faith to myself, and was thinking there is no way God will ever forgive me on what I've done. I lost my self-confidence, my self-esteem, until I felt I could not faced anybody else. I felt shame about myself. I was one of the person that people turned to when they had problems, but when I am in their shoes, I handled it worst than them. I was all alone, and nobody was there to share with.



Im glad that finally Mak managed to come and stay with me for few weeks. Hence slowly I regained back my strength, my belief, and my confidence. I realized that one thing that I wont ever do is to disappoint her because she is my strength on everything. She never cried in front of me though deep down I know how lonely she is since Ayah died. And the reason why I am here now is just because of her.



I want to be the old me. A man with a mission, who knows who he wants to be, who can bring the best out of him and the best out of others. I want to have focus in life, and be a good muslim at the same time. The only one other than Mak who can motivate, advise, and make me wonder about life and the lifeafter is you Cempaka. You may not realize it, but you have a special place in my heart.

'Past made who we are now, Present gives us choices to decide who we are, Future..Allah knows better'

I have not personally asking you, and now im requesting it. Do you accept me as part of your life.. ?

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p/s: thanks to auto save for saving my life. And sorry for bothering you (Chempaka!!) at the middle of 'my action' =p